Reflections on a Secret Habit: From hiding my drinking to alcohol free bliss
Once upon a time, I was caught up in a secret world of drinking. As I look back now, it feels like peering through a foggy window into a distant memory, a chapter of my life I've since closed. But the echoes of that time still resonate within me, reminding me of the journey I've traveled from secrecy to sobriety.
Back then, my days were shaped by a ritual that was both comforting and suffocating. Each afternoon, I would sneak away to the solitude of my kitchen, where i could look busy to everyone as I poured myself a drink and then another. It was my escape, my way of numbing the stress and anxieties that weighed heavily on my shoulders.
But with each sip came a new wave of guilt and shame, a heavy burden that I carried in silence. I knew deep down that my secret drinking was taking its toll on me, chipping away at my sense of self-worth and leaving me feeling hollow and empty inside.
The fear of being discovered was ever-present, a constant shadow lurking in the corners of my mind. I became very good (so i thought) at hiding my habit, concealing bottles and masking the smell with breath mints and air fresheners. But no matter how carefully I covered my tracks, the guilt remained, a silent voice haunting me all the time.
I would cling on to my mug of wine thinking i was tricking people into thinking it was tea. Open a bottle because i 'needed' to pour a bit into the dinner or buy mini bottles so that i could drink them before i opened the main bottles and announce that i'd been looking forward to my first glass of wine! Cringe!
I would always worry that i smelt of wine on the school run if i had had a glass in the afternoon because i had the house to myself or i'd done loads of work so i deserved a tipple with my lunch didn't i? The only person i was ever trying to convince....was myself.
Then one day my little girl reached for my mug, (yes i said mug, how could i secretly drink wine if it was in a wine glass! Another cringe) declaring that she wanted some of mummy's juice! Fuuuuuuuuck! what was i supposed to say to that when i would usually let her have a sip of my tea. It hit me! It wasn't enough to stop me right then but i had to start hiding my hidden mug of wine and it became a yet another chore!
Who was i trying to hide my drinking from? My own shame and guilt? I certainly wasn't doing a very good job of hiding it from my husband because he always knew but was just too nice to say anything. He didn't want to embarrass me. Love him for that.
Although there was a glimmer of hope amidst the darkness, it took a lot more than the shame of secret drinking for me to realise that I couldn't continue living this way and i knew I needed to make a change.
And so, with a lot courage and determination, I took the first step on my journey to recovery. It wasn't easy. There were setbacks and struggles along the way, moments when I faltered and doubted myself. But with the support of loved ones and the strength of my own stubborn nature, I wasn't going to let alcohol win.
I felt controlled by it and that was one thing i would never have allowed to happen with any other part of my life.
Slowly but surely, I began to reclaim my life, rediscovering joy and fulfilment in the simple pleasures that i had forgotten about for so long. I found solace in in alcohol-free life, a newfound sense of freedom and authenticity that filled me with hope for the future.
Looking back now, I am grateful for the journey that brought me to where I am today. Though the path was rocky and the road was long, it led me to a place of healing and renewal, a place where I am free to embrace each new day with clarity and purpose.
So here's to the journey, to the highs and lows, the struggles and triumphs that have shaped me into the person I am today. And to anyone out there who may be struggling with their own secret battles, know that you are not alone. There is hope, there is help, and there is a brighter tomorrow waiting to be embraced.
If you want to know more then please get in touch or let me know you story in the comments.
Much love
Gem xxx
Ps if you would like my free guide "Say goodbye to Cravings' please click the button below and find it on my free resources page.
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